What is it trying to tell me? I'm just too blurry to think of it.

My feelings for you are totally different than what i had felt before. Does this feelings counts it as love? I don't know either. How i wish i could just know how does the feelings of love feels like. By then, i won't be worrying of waiting for you for another thousand years. I just have to go to you and tell the truth. If I'm brave enough, I'll kiss you when i meet you. I'll kiss you not on your cheeks but on your mouth. So that you could feel what does my feelings towards your love. So that you could understand that i totally love you since before. But right now i just can't give you that kiss of mine because you're not alone. You are in a relationship that giving me a blurry sight. I've should have told you that i love you before. If i knew that you did love me in the beginning, i would love you ever since you love me. You knew a lot about me. You like my characteristic and you yourself told me that you like to see me while I'm talking with my friends. With the spontaneous move i talk with my friends. You secretly look at me when i wasn't looking at you. You secretly fall in love with me when you were in your own relationship. You were always thinking that i had forgotten you. But that is the part where you were totally wrong. I say this is because I've been watching our Video more than a million times in my life even though it's the same video. But i just miss you so much by watching that video and i couldn't delete that video from my handy drive. I just love to see it repeatedly. It feels like you were always there for me and so does our friends who were always there for us. I could say this is a LOVE Feelings. Is it? I don't know -_-"

Not sure. Perhaps I’m still waiting for it.

This few days it was you the only one who text with me. You were always there for me when I’m lonely or when I got nothing much to do. Even when you are busy with your dance practice, you still text me even I have to wait quite awhile. Before I write more, I just wanting to say I’m sorry for my behavior before. Sorry that I force you on doing such nonsense things on your birthday. I’m glad that you didn’t do it. I was so idiot to ask you to do that such things. Anyway, since you said that once you’re out of his life and you’ll come and look for me. It’s not a problem for me though but don’t you think that, before this you were fooling around with his heart? I think he would be totally pissed off because of what you did to him. Well, I don’t blame you but you just have to do some things first. As for me, it’s not a problem at all. I do have feelings on you before as well but I’m not sure about someone who ever been with you. Will he accept the fact that I’m with you? Hopefully the answer would be yes though. *Sigh*. Wait another few more second, minutes, days, weeks, months or years. It would take me ages till we’re together.

“Sleeping in the night with your hands around me,
‘I LOVE YOU’ for saying goodnight melts my precious hearts.
Your wet lips kissing for sweet dream,
Sleep tight throughout the night with me my dearest.”

“I may not be perfect but I’ll always be there because I know you’re worth it. You’re the answer to all of my prayers”

The phrase above is taken from a song. A song created by SecondHand Serenade. The phrase took me a few thinking. Thinking what does it really means. Sometimes I could get a few of the answer and sometimes I don’t. It’s a bit hard to understand though. But one thing for sure that it is sort of related to the feelings of love. It’s like the phrase said, I may not be perfect but I’ll always be there for ‘that’ person who I love. That special girl is always worth for me in my life and she could be the answer to all my prayers and life. You’re my soul mate forever.

Only when you need me

I just don’t get it when I’m far apart you ignore me. When I’m near with you, you don’t even seem to bother to talk or even say hi. What more to say in text messages. Don’t have to talk about upcoming calls from you. You never will be answering my calls or even call me back. Only when you need my help then u asked for my help especially in your relationship or when you are in bad situation. Don’t you realize that I’ll always be the first person to be there on your side no matter where I am. I may not be able to be showing up myself in front of you but I’ll always there for you especially when you are in bad situation. But the poor part is you’re never there for me when I’m badly needed you. I was hoping you will be there for me especially when I’m sad, crying or even in my bad situation. But you just couldn’t be there for me even to text a message to help or cheer me up. I feel so disappointed after I’ve been there for you ever since I’ve known you. *Sigh*. You never know what I’m going through in my life. It’s always been my worst life ever especially when I’m in my dream of sadness, in my life of darkness and my fantasy without a sunshine in the morning. It is always dark like being in a darkness room without any characteristic in it or even any shadows to be seen.

You wore it =D

I totally forgot about the guitar pick until u told me. Aww, I still remember the black color is especially for you and you hang it on your own necklace. Ring of “LOVE”. Two words. “LO” and “VE”. It’s a pair of ring, I’m glad that I gave you “LO” and mine is “VE”. I was thinking of who should I give it to till I decided to give it to you since we’ve been so close till mummy knows that we went out every time I come back home. You surprise me by using that guitar pick after for years. It’s been so long already. That guitar pick was for my friendship to your life forever no matter what and where we will be.

Sickness without knowing

I went to the clinic for my medical check up. I was in the clinic since in the morning till 11am then when back for lunch. At 3pm, i went to the clinic once more for my medical check up because one of the doctor in Columbia Asia told me to come and meet Dr. Vargeshe or whatever his name is lah. So when i went in the room, i told the doctor that sometimes i kinda feel hurt on my previous appendix. Sometimes it suddenly pain without any reason. So he check it and told me that something is not really right. "The scar is huge and long. Where did you did your operation?" told the Doctor. So i told everything about my appendix. He asked me to go for a Ultrasound scanning. After ultrasound scan, i went back to the doctor once more. Found out that i must eat vegetable every meal. Well most of my meal i ate veges tho but the doctor said i must eat lots of green veges. Which is i seldom eat green veges but other veges. The doctor also told me to take bread and milk for breakfast instead of noodles. That's not it. From now on, i need to take fruits every night after dinner which is i seldom eat fruit because i'm lazy too. The result if i don't followed the doctor's order is.... DO ANOTHER OPERATION AGAIN TILL IT IS OKAY! I was like "WHAT THE HELL??!! WHAT THE FUCK??!! ARE YOU SERIOUS? DO I HAVE TO GET ANOTHER OPERATION AT THE SAME PLACE IF I GOT WORSE AGAIN???!!! OMGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!" I got a little bit panic and i kinda reduce all my drinking habit which is i'm gonna miss drinking for quite a long time. DAMN YOU FRIGGIN' APPENDIX! I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU!!!

You're done in my world?

""Job: Will you talk to me once more?
--
xXGirlXx: Erm, actually big bro, i sent that message wrongly. It was for my cousin joey. Sorry bout that.
--
Job: Yea i know bout that. But i wasn't saying that you purposely sent that message to me. All i wanna know is will you talk to me again like before? I know i did a lots of wrong and i'm sorry
--
xXGirlXx: Apology accepted but i'm afraid of you now since that day you just blast off at me like that. So, i don't think i'll be able to talk to you like before. Its scary to see someone very nice suddenly say something that slap you right in the face. You don't have to worry bout me yea, big bro. I've got another big bro over here. He's fine and i'm comfortable with him for the time being now. I'm really sorry.
--
Job: Thanks im so glad that you say that. I know i kinda did some silly things but all i wanna know is that am i still your big bro and your 1st bro who always tries to be there for u and im glad that u found another big bro that could take care of u lot better than me and i know that im the worst big bro. im so sorry for everything. Thanks for being honest by the way. I'll learn my mistake trying to be better in the future.
--
xXGirlXx: Yea you are. Now you know, big bro.
--
Job: Umm, anyway, i guess i'll not disturb you now. Have a nice sweet dream.
--
xXGirlXx: You too Jobby.
--
Job: You called me Jobby... Aww, its the first time =') love ya sonia. Just to let you know that i kinda miss ya and i got my gpa 3.13. the highest in my college.
--
xXGirlXx: Don't love me please. I call you Jobby because you're Jobby and because calling you 'BIG BRO' feels awkward. As it feels like i'm addressing my big bro here which i'm not. Sorry. and Congrats by the way.""
********************************************
After that conversation, didn't not reply xXGirlXx. I kinda got hurt so badly in my heart. Really badly. As if i was been stab in the heart and die in this world. After reading the part about she having another big bro, i kinda get all sad. I was been replace. Maybe it's the best for her and the worst for me. I don't know. but i hope she is happy with her NEW big bro. The second part that make my tears fall to the ground was She said i was just JOBBY. She's not addressing me as her big brother anymore for good. I was so break down after reading her text to me. It gave me a big slap on the face for the worst night ever. I was suppose to be happy for my GPA pointer in college as i have the highest pointer in college but things gone worst when night appear. The time when i got the message from xXGirlXx that i've been replace by another person as the position of 'BIG BRO'. All i could do last night in my bed room was crying silently without anyone noticing i was crying, heart broken and the worst is losing someone that i care and love so much out of my side. I can only hope that i'll be fine in the future ever since before. But it never work at all of being fine. I feel so lost. I feel so left out. I feel so lock up by these feelings that contains in my heart. It's just like my twin brother said. "LOVE DIES". Apparently he is true. My love dies as well like my twin's love dies. I feel like giving up in life and one thing, i hope that i lost my memories for the pass few years and let me forget everything that happen. Let see if i do lose my memories, will anyone come to my bed in the hospital or at home to visit me or to take care of me. I just really wish my memory lost or better just be dead so that i won't suffer like how im suffering right now. God did this for a reason but i guess God punish me for my wrong that i'm doing right now. everything is not for a reason but it's all for punishment for my wrong. I just keep on hating my life day by days. Sun rise to Sunset. From morning to the break of dawn. I Just keep on hating it!

If've edit a few vids in youtube everyone. These vids is especially more my collegemate which we spent the night together in the mall. Midnight vids which is so crazy and unbelievable. Lol! haha. here is the link to the vids. Check it out. There is one more vids left which i haven't upload yet so. Take your time and enjoy alrite! Thanks!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qx8g9ktD-AI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_OH14nwSPo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMNLnCl7g1U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8o3QJE83iB8

Just another day to be hanging out

It's thursday night and i'm at Starbuck with my friends which studied in the same college with me =D Anyway, they are Shah, Emma (shah gf), Paul, Ijal, and emerson. We've been at The spring since 9pm something2. Now where still here and doing nothing. Online, drinking starbuck drinks and everything! haha. Kinda fun though It's been awhile since i've not hang out with my friends. Anyway, here are some picture of us at starbuck, The Spring. Kuching. Hehe. Have fun watching =DDD

It's been awhile since i've blog eyh. Anyway, there something that messes up my mind and my life this few days and i can't stop thinking about it over and over again. Last weekend night i was totally pissed off over someone. Not my friends but my own family. One of them just kept a picture of something that is not suppose to be kept in the gallery. I mean what the fuck is that doing in the gallery??!! And what the hell is she putting it in there? Hey dude who ask her to put that fucking picture in her gallery, i'm so gonna look for you and so gonna kill you. Trust me! Once i know you, i'll gonna kill you, even if i have to die. I don't even care about my life anymore so why should i care about it! Fuck off la dude!

Those time, Those memories and Those moment i miss

It's been quite awhile since i hang out with my very own group in high school. My twin and i might be the eldest but hanging out with them makes the both of us feel young and equally the same as the others. Ever since college life began, everyone seems to go on their own path. Well, it's not wrong but i kinda miss those high school moments though. Laugh together, eat together, fake argue together and most important, being there for each and everyone whenever we are together. My friends,

"Prince sail in silver ship
Princess sail in golden ship
Sailor sail in ordinary ship
We all sail in friendship!"

Joanna, Barry, John, Shauna, Yusuf, Bawen, Gwendolyn, Syakila, Brian, Zach, and others who i do not state in my blog. You know who you are alright!
XoXo!

A belated birthday for my friend who is 21 these year.

A group of 9 people including me celebrates my friend's 21 birthday. These are the people who enjoy the celebration night. Anyway, it's kinda funny though about something. It's about me. I'm the only non-Chinese, the smallest and the youngest of all. The others is my college senior and i only know 2 of the chinese 'gang'. Which is the birthday boy, Kelvin and Alfred. Later after dinner, we went to a park where it's a bit dark place though. It's my first going to the park where they usually hang out. Here's a few pic of celebrating Kelvin's birthday.

These 3 pictures is where we light the candle and give a present to Kelvin. The best part on these birthday was the pressie. It was a funny pressie that i wouldn't think Kelvin's friend would bought. After blowing the cake, Alfred gave a pressie to him. So we asked Kelvin to open the pressie. Guess what, It's a condom! Haha. Which is so stupid. Lol! The 3rd picture is the proof of the condom and it's a good quality though. Haha! We all laugh like hell about the pressie. After blow the cake, open pressie, we went to Bako. A place where cars race from 10pm till midnight. That night was awesome. Watch car race, free dinner, free cake, new friends and everything that i didn't expect to be happen on my friday night. Anyway, thanks Kelvin for inviting me and i'm looking forward to go Matang for BBQ! Haha!