The final, the end of the road, the last time you'll ever heard my voices and the last time you'll ever read the story of my life

This is part of my family. The Ruscher family (: They appear in front of a one of the magazines in Shanghai there. So cool! :) And I totally miss them so much.. It's been like more than a year we've not met. But not to worry.. The next time I'll meet them probably by June. Hopefully. Can't wait to meet them. Especially that crazy girl! Ha ha! Oh yea, I'm introducing my family to everyone so yeah... That cute huge dog's name is Skip, That big guy behind is Uncle wolfie a.k.a papi (: And that pretty lady behind is my mum's sister, Aunt Alvina. Sitting down is Nastassia Amanda and Daniel David (: So yeah. There you go. I miss you all so much cuzzie!

Anyway, today is my last post in my blog and most probably I wont blog anything anymore till... something that really makes me happy happen. Right now, I'm just don't caught up to have such a wonderful moment and finally figure it out that it's time for me to just quit everything that I've struggle. Because right now.. This moment.. It's useless for me to struggle things that I wanting to have because no matter how hard I try, I'll end up having the same answer or maybe a not-so-sure answer. So which I don't really know what is the real answer. Advise to everyone...

Things that you're hoping,
Can never come through.
Those that you love so much,
They couldn't love you as it was before.
Love the ones that you actually love,
But not to fake your happiness to others.
Love as you said will fades away,
And so as the memories that you've shared.

So yeah.. That is what I had to say for my last post. I'm sorry to disappointing you all for I know most of you all like the story of my life but I just couldn't bare to share it anymore because everything is getting worst and worst every moment that I've tried to make it happy.

There's few words I would like to say...

I'm sorry If any of my post ever offended you. I didn't really meant to... And If I did... I have forgiven you for so long.

Thank you for such a lovely moment shared by you all. I tried to not forgetting everything that we've been through together. I know I sound such a stupid idiot freak now but I just don't really care anymore. Because its useless to care bout me and myself.

I would like to give my thanks and my sorry to...

Theodore John
Daniella Consuelo
Bryan Benny
Gloria Choo
Gwendolyn Rinai
Jobina Mei
Marilyn Gemy
Annette Ellin
Melinda Law
Joanna Fong

And to others who have read my blog... It's been fun (: Before I go, I got something to tell to everyone but not directly. It's by poems that I wrote few nights ago and including last night. 4 poems overall with such different meanings... Understand what I'm trying to say alright.

Mistake

I must admit that I have often thought
of leaving it all behind and letting everything go

I was lost and alone, as I always am,
So many people around me,
Yet no one seems to care.

They say they understand and love me very much,
But just when I Trust to love, they forget and move on.

I held the knife so close
as tears, mixed with blood,
Began to fall slowly.
Like a foolish child I cried.

Knowing that I could end it all now
made my mind draw a blank.

I put the knife away and tried to wipe the blood,
that ran faster than I can describe.

I knew suicide wasn't the answer I was looking for.
I knew there was a reason for me being alone.

So many bad things happening at once -
They can make you forget
About the good qualities of life.

Even though life is hard,
and trouble an inevitable part of it.

If you decide to leave it all behind,
maybe you will,
but I can guarantee that others
....Your Mistake will haunt

Prayer for the living

Why does the thought of death
The feeling of ending this life
The torture, the pain, the hurt
The discomfort I cause,
Why does it feel so right?

But the thought of the pain
The mechanics, the method
The hows and wherefores..
Why is that so beyond me,
my abilities, My confidence?

I know I would be better dead
All I care for is others
All I do is hurt others
All I want to do is leave others
To their lives away from me

Is my inability from caring?
Knowing the final act of hurt
The final ability to screw others
To give those who truly care
A pain even I haven't done before?

But they would recover
And they could see it was done
Maybe not consciously, but truly
For the best for them
And therefore the best for me.

Is it fear that stops me?
The inability to take the pain
I couldn't inflict on myself
The yellow man I am,
The quitter, never finishing the Job

So I carry on to conceal the feelings
Trying to do all I can for all
And still I hurt and give pain
Cause confusion wherever I go
That is why I pray to die.

Alone Again

Four o'clock in the morning
Afraid to open my eyes
Another day of grief,
A day of fear.
All alone I feel.
I try to justify all the pain,
All of this guilt before my eyes.
Another day of confusion,
A day of wondering.
Is it ever just going to go away?
All this pain that I feel,
And all this anger, is it going to stay?

Ten o'clock in the evening,
Afraid of the nightmares.
Again my breathing stops.
All I can do is stare into the night.
What is it that causes this feeling?
Another night of crying,
A night of hiding,
Alone once again.
My heart feels empty,
And I can't cry another tear.
Another day wasted on insecurity,
A day of wonder.
Is this ever going to end?

Down Again

I've been pushed down so many times
I feel this time will be the last
as I lay here fading
my thoughts are invaded by memories of my past
I feel the pressures of shame and rejection building
as I lay here on the floor
I have no strength to get up
I'm not worth it any more.

Mahal Kita Zoe

Orginally Post by Jobby